How to Read People

 

Know the person. To really be able to read someone, you have to know them well.[1] By getting to know someone personally, you’ll have a better idea of what their likes or dislikes are, what their common habits are, and what is or isn’t necessarily a “tell.” 

Base your opinions of others on several encounters with them, not just 1. People may act and speak differently depending on the situation.

For example, you may have a friend who is commonly very fidgety. If so, their fidgeting may not be a sign of lying or nervousness. If you were to meet them on the street, common knowledge would deem them nervous or anxious. Nope. They just have an excited leg.

Pay attention to the habits of others. Do they maintain eye contact all the time? Do their voices change when they’re nervous? When they’re preoccupied, how do they transmit it? This will key you in to what you should be looking for when attempting to read them.

Take in how they are holding themselves. Body language can tell you a lot about what someone is feeling, especially when it comes to how comfortable they feel. It may be a reflection of the topic at hand or it could be some interpersonal issue. Here are some general guidelines that indicate comfort level. 

Positive or comfortable body language cues:[2]

Leaning in forward

Relaxed limbs that are at their sides

Eye contact

Smiling that does not look forced or gritted

Negative or uncomfortable body language cues:

Leaning away from you

Crossed arms or legs

Limbs that are moving — a lot of nervous tapping of the fingers or leg, for example

Looking away when talking

Step 2 Look at their face.

2

Look at their face. You should also keep an eye out for fleeting facial expressions. Watch people very closely to see if there are any small movements of the mouth that give away what people are really feeling. For example, a person may smile at you but if their lip twitches, it might mean that they are thinking of something negative.[3] 

Anything clenched or tense, if even for a second, can be a sign. A furrowed brow, a tense jaw, it’s all signs of anxiety.

If their eyes close for longer than a normal blink, they’re probably stalling and taking a moment to get a grasp on a situation.[1] It generally is an indicator of someone who is losing grip, be it on themselves or in a situation.

Step 3 See if they touch you.

3

See if they touch you. For example, if a person usually hugs you when they see you but they don’t, it might mean that they feel tension towards you. Similarly, think about things like a weak handshake — that could signify nervousness or uncertainty.[4] 

Touching is a tough one, though. Everyone has different ideas of a “personal bubble” and just because someone touches you a lot doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “in.” You could just be one in a line around the block. If you’re curious about their touching habits toward you, monitor them around other people to see where the norm lies.

Step 4 Observe how far away they are spatially.

4

Observe how far away they are spatially. How close or far away a person is from you also gives you some insight into their state of mind. For example, if a person is distancing themselves from you physically, it may mean that they do not want to be vulnerable or intimate. Or it could mean they’re in a hurry! Again, clusters are key here. 

Some people are not comfortable being within a certain physical proximity of others regardless of the situation. So just because someone keeps their distance, it may not be a reflection of you. The same goes for the opposite end of the spectrum — other people have no concept of personal space. If they’re violating yours, they may not even realize it.

Step 5 Consider the cultural relevance of their body language.

5

Consider the cultural relevance of their body language. A person’s cultural background will affect the body language they use, their facial expressions, and how close they get to you. It’s important to consider these things when trying to read people. You don’t want to draw the wrong conclusion about someone because you viewed them through a narrow lens.[5]

2

Ask open-ended questions. When you’re reading someone, you are watching and listening. What you’re not doing is grabbing the conversation by the horns and steering it in your direction. So ask your question and get out of there. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. 

Open-ended questions will allow them to talk more so that you can observe them longer.

You’ll be best off asking to-the-point, pertinent questions.[1] If you say, “How’s your family?” you may get a rambling, all-over-the-place response that doesn’t help you gauge well the information you’re looking for. If you say, “What book are you reading currently?” you may be able to gather more personal information.

Step 3 Look for inconsistencies in their baseline.

3

Look for inconsistencies in their baseline. A normally affectionate person who seems not to be physically present and doesn’t seem to want to get near anyone with a 10-foot pole has something going on; the same behavior exhibited by Boo Radley does not necessarily mean the same thing. Once you’ve gathered how the person acts in day-to-day life, keep an eye out for the stuff that doesn’t mesh. 

If something doesn’t seem to add up, you’ll have to ask why, at least initially. They could simply be exhausted, had a fight with their significant other, got yelled at by their boss, or just have some small personal issue that’s sticking in their craw. Do not assume it’s a reflection of your relationship with that person before you have all the details.

Step 4 Work in clusters.

4

Work in clusters. Seeing one cue is not grounds for jumping to a conclusion. After all, someone could be leaning away from you simply because that chair is hard to get comfortable in. If you are heavily relying on the non-verbal, make sure you have three or four signs before you start making assumptions. 

Try to a take a cue from their words, their tone, their body, and their face. Once you get one from each and they all line up, it may be safe to proceed. But of course, a good way to ascertain if you’re correct is just to be direct and ask.

Step 5 Know your own weaknesses.

5

Know your own weaknesses. As a mere mortal human, you are subject to fallibility. Just like the Pope. When you see something pretty, odds are you’re going to like it. If it’s wearing a finely-tailored Italian suit, you’re probably going to trust it. Should you? Not necessarily. 

Humans generally think of dangerous people as drunkards roaming the street unbathed and carrying a knife. In reality, most psychopaths are charming and have their act together. Though it’s virtually impossible to actually take control of, just be aware that your subconscious is telling you to judge a book by its cover when that’s not necessarily the best or most accurate thing to do.